07/31 for today

the heart has such an influence over the understanding that it is worth while to engage it in our interest.

our understanding… or the lack there of. because the heart isn’t logical. the heart is easily misled or bamboozled and that – as the world can see – often leads to disaster. namely the disaster of my life, i’m a freakin’ mess. the proof is in the pudding and the pudding is this body. oh how it screams disaster.

what i need to understand is that i don’t have to act on what the heart feels every given moment of the day. i can feel emotions without acting upon them, mostly because my actions often include burying, anesthetizing, covering up… all means of escaping the uncomfortableness of feeling stuff i don’t wanna feel. and the more i take such action the more of a physical disaster i become. and an emotional disaster as well, because what i need to do is feel the stuff and deal with it in the moment, save myself from having to go dig it out months or years later (as i’m doing now in therapy!)

feelings aren’t facts, feelings fade or change or work themselves out.

what the 12-step design for living gives me, is a way to learn how to sift through the heart stuff, separating what to act upon and what to let go. and in this process, disaster is relieved. and for today, i’m grateful to have such a method of living available to me. and grateful, also, for the willingness to ‘get off the couch’ to make the effort it takes to be responsible for myself. for today, i have no shame in feeling what i feel, and no need to react to or hide from each and every one.

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~ by ghyllee mahree on 2015/07/31.

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