07/29 for today

renunciation is a piercing virtue
the letting go
a presence for an expectation
~ emily dickinson

i’m not sure renunciation and refraining are the right words for me regarding my compulsive/addictive tendencies around food. they are good words to be sure, but there are times that they just don’t quite covering the scope of things. repentant is more like it; because of the sorrow i feel for what i’ve done to my body, sorrow for what i’ve squandered. for me, my treatment of and behavior around food and the resulting effects are all sins against nature, separating me from the natural order of things and separating me from the HP of my understanding. it’s a concept i’ve held to for a long while, another way to beat myself up.. all that flagellation for my sins.

now comes the atonement.

regardless of how closely these words come to defining my own personal experience, they all have a common action… the turning away from behaviors and attitudes that are damaging to me. in letting go of such things i leave an empty space and unless i fill that empty space with better things something else will. this requires more action on my part, partaking of my life in a new way.

for today i accept that my past indiscretions (ie compulsions, abuses & addictions) have brought me to who and how i am, thankful to have survived all the self destruction. for today with a new way of doing and being i let go of the old and am open to better things. for today my atonement includes a healthy level of self-care, loving kindness for myself and (hopefully) others, and fostering behaviors and attitudes that bring me (and keep me) closer to where i belong in the natural universe.