come to mama

“Self-respect is the fruit of discipline; the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.” ~ Abraham Joshua Heschel

I find self-discipline to be much easier, natural in fact, when I’m in the throes of self-love/care/respect. So my evident, long-lived lack of self-discipline comes from a serious deficit of love/care/respect for myself. What the freaking hell is that about?

Why am I even asking? I know what it’s about. I’m actually in the process of reversing these historical miscues I have about myself; reprocessing history in a way that doesn’t leave me so damaged and broken. Because the inability to love one’s self, to feel deserving of care is being broken. Even animals instinctively take care of themselves. I must have enough of that same instinct to have kept me coming back around to the issue. I have faced this lack of love many times in myself, as some may know. Lately, I have great hope it’s going to stick.

It is a wonder, when I am in a good place, that saying no to myself is not a big deal, not the end of the world, not – for the love of anything that’s holy – a lack of love. Saying no to myself IS a love and care that’s sweet in its simplicity. As a mother must say no to a child, to stave off over indulgences that would only result in harm.

So this is what it comes to, at mid-life, I parent myself as I should have been from the get go; with love and patience and a solid grasp on what is best for me, understanding there are times to be permissive and times to rule with a sane, but firm hand.  I do believe i was always meant to be a mama.  Being my own is a good place to start.


~ by ghyllee mahree on 2014/10/10.

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