a lived in house (it’s so not what you think)

please note, my handwriting is atrocious.  also note, i left in the bad grammar.

journaling 10-09-14

2014, Oct 9 For Today – Nathaniel Hawthorne

“The moral deteriorations attendant on a false and shallow life are among the most pitiable wrongs that mortals suffer.”

There’s a part of me that wants to shine a big spot light on Nat Hawthorne’s HIGH HORSE, but really – he is so right here.  I like that he uses the word ‘deteriorations’ too.  Because the decline is a subtle one.

I won’t say I’ve lived a totally false + shallow life, but I’ve had my moments.  I am grateful too that I’ve had a focus on my moral character and stuff deeper than my appearance (physically + lifestyle)  I’ve been concerned greatly with deeper stuff – my life force – my deep motivations – my soulful knowledge – that connection to the heart of me.  I am not perfect at this, but i do believe it has been my saving grace where character + morality come into play, because such a connection keep the deteriorations from happening.

Thinking of a house not lived in – falls into decay just from being empty of that human warmth + energy.

So now i wonder at the bit of deteriorations I have suffered, because there are moments + layers of myself that ARE more shallow (more shallow than false.  I am not good at faking it) – but this fixation on my physicality my appearance – has maybe allowed for some erosion – left a sheen of judgement (against self + others for their own appearances)  not always – not everyone – just the obese ones.  I have no compassion for fat people – myself mostly – but for sure others too.

I want to reverse this attitude – shuck it entirely, for a more loving, compassionate, and non-judgmental attitude toward not only the obese but everyone.  It’s okay to love these people – I am not being permissive or condoning their ill health by doing so – I am not condoning my own by doing so – only allowing for my fragile humanity to run its course – I am what + who I am and I can love me for it as I am in this moment.

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~ by ghyllee mahree on 2014/10/09.

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