confessions of a junkie…

“For many individuals the same pleasure and reward centers of the brain that are effected by heroin and cocaine are triggered by [processed foods that are high in sugar, fat and salt content.]”

Food addiction exists, so easily recognizable yet not recognized for what it is. Life is full of ironies.

So, I’m an addict. Though the body is evidence enough, most people have no idea what it entails… The promises made to myself to do better, to BE better, that are broken in hours, sometimes minutes; the sneaking eating or hiding food; the numbing effects; the wasted money; the shame, self loathing and all the tears all alone.

And let me not forget the tears, in the arms of my lover, when i told him i thought about killing myself just last week. And then his tears, at his powerlessness in this situation. And now his fears that i’ll do something ‘stupid’. I wish i never told him, but he kept at me for an explanation. Well he got one. There was part of me wanted to tell him, to tell someone. Just in case.

For those who think i’m full of shit, well, phooey on you too.  It isn’t just about will  power or knowledge, because i have both of those things in good supply.  If you think i’d choose this resulting body or stifled life, you’re crazy.  Maybe crazier than i am. 

I think this food addiction is flaring extra hard at this point because of the hardships of the past year. I’m self medicating. I told the darling boyfriend if i was a traditional addict, i’d be toothless and skinny or perpetually hungover like a junkie or alcoholic. I just manifest my addiction differently.  That puts a majestic spin on things doesn’t it?  Not really. There is no majesty in this current existence. Not when i know better,, but can’t seem to manage doing better.

Food Addiction Exists. Period. And i’m an addict.

i was a recovering addict at one point in my life. that came to a crashing halt and i’ve had to recover from that crash to even consider other recoveries. maybe that’s another reason it’s gotten so bad lately, because i’m mostly over that spiritual crash, and my addiction, like a malevolent entity, is digging in deep.

Conspiring against me with the rest of the universe! *cackles madly*

I jest, but it seems that way too often. Three days trying to connect with my old therapist, and i get messages from the operator that the call can not be completed. WTF is that??? You know, just because i’m paranoid, doesn’t mean i’m wrong!

I also think, because i’ve had some real bright spots too, that the negatives don’t blend in so well. And that’s not just a Pollyanna spit n’ shine there.  I will end this on a hopeful note, with a pledge to myself to continue to fight for not just ‘some recovery’ but a complete and authentic one, rooted in a foundation of gratitude.  I’m grateful for those Bright Spots in my life, people who encourage me and experiences that lift my spirit. 

For now, I’ll ponder this…

cards pulled on June 29, 2014

 

~ love & light ~

 

Advertisements

~ by ghyllee mahree on 2014/07/03.

want to say something?

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: