look at that ego GO!

Be a witness, not a judge.  Focus on yourself, not on others.  Listen to your heart, not to the crowd.Back again so soon…   Yeah.

So I’ve been guided a lot lately to think about my ego.  How exasperatingly large it is.  Considering the esteem issues, i find this ironic, but, upon examination, it’s true.  It’s huge.

At this point in time, more often than not, my initial reactions to things are based on ego.  The ego that  believes I’m always right, the ego that believes my rightness should be known, should be understood by all and sundry.  Doesn’t the world know that my opinions come from a place of supreme knowledge and understanding of the human psyche and workings of the universe?

It’s interesting that a woman who can barely form a concrete opinion on so many matters, is so sure of the ones she does have.  To be true, it is the bane of my existence to be able to see so many sides to an issue.  I understand why republicans think unfettered capitalism is the way to go.  I don’t agree, but i get why they do.  I understand why christians believe the usa was founded on the very principals of their my-way-or-the-highway-to-hell religion.  I no longer agree – another story unto itself – but i get why they do.  I guess this gross understanding makes me feel like I’ve got a line on more things than i actually do which is where the ego comes in.

Judgement is a sneaky thing.  Insidious is a good word for it.  Because it’s not always big things, actually most often it is the little things, they add up until i have a bushel basket of judgements that tend to spark annoyance, anger and/or frustration; the very things that are detrimental to my personal peace.

Luckily, when i recognize this kind of behavior i can take a mental step back and adjust my thinking.  Somethings take longer than others in the adjustment phase, which, I believe, has to do with my already existing deep-seated anger.  I’m working on letting go of this stuff too, it’s way past its prime.  My goal is to have less and less need for adjusting my thoughts, to just be a witness to other people’s lives and choices without forming an opinion about them.  This should free me up to work on my own issues and  tap into my creative energies.

Because isn’t that the choice I have in each and every moment?  To use my mind & time in negative, destructive thoughts and behaviors, or positive, creative, edifying thoughts and behaviors.  I am so tired of the anger, depression and fear that has ruled over my existence.  I’m ready for an infusion of love, joy and freedom.

All this happy happy joy joy sounds trite, because it is so (over?) used today, but there is a part of me that is terrified.  Living without the anchor of anger and fear, there is no telling what life will become or how it – and i in it – will go.  That’s some scary stuff for a girl like me.

Still, I’m ready now.

~ peace, love, happiness

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~ by ghyllee mahree on 2014/01/08.

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