Nocturnal Admissions (aka Muddy Water Happens)

yeah, so i figured i’d be writing this in the deep, wee hours, hence the ‘nocturnal’, but here it is a whopping 12:25 pm. my first admission feels like it should be coming from a dark, secret place though… or it did when i first started ruminating on sharing so much. as it happens in life, other things came up to stall and influence so it doesn’t feel the same any more.. the admission that is.

it’s my birthweek so i’ve been celebrating some and receiving thoughtful gifties as well as pondering the milestone. it’s a big one. maybe bigger than 16, or 21 or 30 or… oops. not too soon, now. i need to preface some more.

when i was younger i loved to write. i wrote stories and poems both until over the sad pathetic-ness that’s been a good part of my life, i lost that joy. perhaps lost isn’t the right word. i ‘put it away’. i couldn’t use it. i was afraid to put pen to paper and share my self, bare myself to ridicule and judgment. i got enough of that business without revealing even more of the real me. stifling stuff.

so… recently, i’ve rediscovered writing. not so much pen to paper or poetry, as fingertips to keyboard and role-playing. story telling. Story creating ! and i found it in a place called Elliquiy – where i was expecting to find something else all together – to be honest. it took me a while to find my feet there, let alone a dusty old penchant for spewing out written words.

My Elliquiy Experience has been helped along by some special people of course, all Elliquians have those. One in particular played the role (unbeknownst to them) of a mentor and taught me how to keep the lines from blurring as they can in such a setting. I’m more grateful for that than they’ll ever know i think. And so very glad that a newbie obsession grew into a true fondness and respect.

anyway… i have kept my two worlds separate. RealLife and Elliquiy have had a wall built up between them; i like it that way, it’s safer for me. no need to muddy the waters right?  i’m a girl you see. just a girl in the whirl. and probably the oldest freaking girl you’ll ever know – with so much crap never sorted out. still have hopes of that though, so never fear – the underdog is here.

stuff is hard sometimes. a lot of the time, actually. all i can do is keep working toward being my best self; yeah even now at forty five. (oh my god oh my god, i said it.) yeah, i’m that old and still a mess. i imagine myself on warning posters for a multitude of sins.

writing, real writing, takes a certain willingness to be honest. perhaps that is why i am here in this moment now… to be honest. so that i can continue on the path of healing and growing as a person, which includes accepting myself right where i am. it’s nice when other people do too, but that has become less important to me.

so, there’s a tunnel under the wall, because maintaining security has become too much for me.

muddy water happens.

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~ by ghyllee mahree on 2011/03/02.

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